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Band 5.5CEFR B2Essay263 words

More and more people today are becoming overly dependent on the internet and phones. Is this a positive or negative development?

The essay addresses the prompt with a clear position and explores both positive and negative aspects of internet and phone dependency. However, development is uneven, with some ...

IELTS WritingCEFR B2Checked

Prompt

More and more people today are becoming overly dependent on the internet and phones. Is this a positive or negative development?

Essay review

Annotated essay

Interactive

Nowadays, the web reaches its limbs to every nook and cranny of the globe. Furthermore, the utilization of sophisticated technologies like smartphones and computers is growing day by day, and individuals are becoming more acquainted with these devices. The following paragraphs contain a detailed study of this school of thought.

On the one hand, the internet connects people globally. In the modern era, folks relocate to better careers far away from their loved ones, but with the use of different types of social applications, they can easily connect with their near and dear. Additionally, the Internet modernized the way pupils study, and students learn across the border more efficiently. Moreover, Wikipedia is the best example of this technology for students. Students learn new skills from the internet. People can buy many things from online shopping stores, saving precious time and money.

On the other hand, the internet also has a few demerits. People use this technology unlimitedly and causing mental disorders; they live imaginary lives and are far away from their personal relationships. Especially teenagers often use these devices unnecessarily, like couch potatoes. The young generation plays many types of games, like PAPG, Call of Duty, etc. When children are involved in the latest types of games with uncertain limits, they destroy their future.

To conclude, the internet has more benefits than pitfalls. The internet gives people ample time and many ways to learn easily and efficiently from all over the world. People can work globally from their homes. However, it is quite dangerous for teenagers because they involve themselves in risky stages.

Improvement plan

Close to Band 6.0

Current Band 5.5

Target Band 6.0

  • Fewer sentence boundary errors and better control over complex clause structures.
  • More fully developed body paragraph explanations rather than strings of short assertions.

Strengths

Task Response

The conclusion clearly restates the writer's overarching position established in the introduction.

Weaknesses

Sentence Boundary Control

High

Frequent comma splices and fused clauses disrupt the flow and grammatical accuracy of complex sentences.

Insufficient Idea Extension

Medium

Body paragraphs contain lists of brief assertions rather than fully expanded arguments supported by detailed examples.

Priority improvements

  1. 1Eliminate Run-on Sentences and Comma SplicesImproving sentence boundary control by avoiding comma splices and ensuring proper subordination will significantly raise the Grammatical Range and Accuracy score.Impact: High
  2. 2Extend Body Paragraph ArgumentsInstead of listing multiple short points, focus on developing two strong arguments per body paragraph with detailed explanations and concrete examples.Impact: Medium

Error patterns

Band & CEFR

Band 5.5

B2

Confidence: High

Assessment summary

The essay addresses the prompt with a clear position and explores both positive and negative aspects of internet and phone dependency. However, development is uneven, with some body paragraphs containing loose assertions rather than fully elaborated ideas. Grammatical control is mixed, featuring run-on coordination, comma splices, and tense shifts, while vocabulary is a mix of simple phrasing and occasional academic collocations.

Scoring criteria

Strengths

  • Basic paragraph structure is present with clear 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' signposting.
  • Overall progression of ideas is traceable from introduction to conclusion.

Weaknesses

  • Body paragraph 2 relies on a rapid succession of short, disconnected sentences ('Additionally, the Internet modernized... Moreover, Wikipedia is... Students learn... People can buy...').
  • Cohesive devices are sometimes mechanical or formulaic.

Justification

While information is organized with an overall progression, the lack of smooth transitions between sentences and reliance on repetitive list-like statements restricts cohesion to Band 5.5.

Writing stats

Words
263
Paragraphs
4
Estimated time
3 min read
Grammar issues
4
Lexical suggestions
3
Major issues
7
Minor issues
4
Top error pattern
Sentence Boundary and Coordination Errors
Confidence
High