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Band 6.0CEFR B2Task 2290 words

The world today is a safer place and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The essay presents a clear position agreeing with the prompt and supports it with relevant arguments concerning modern digital threats and historical changes. However, it suffer...

IELTS WritingCEFR B2Checked

Prompt

The world today is a safer place and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Essay review

Annotated essay

Interactive

The present condition of the world could be regarded less perilous compared to a hundred years ago, and the government should spend less funds on the military. In this case, I would like to concur with the statement. There are several reasons why I concur which I will explore in this essay.

Firstly, the condition of the world is completely different from a century ago. A hundred years ago there might have been a lot of conflicts going on, especially in the 1930s up until the 1940s when there was a world war. Under the risk of an insurgence might occur any time of day, having sufficient armed forces to protect one's country is a necessity. But nowadays I would argue there are only a small amount of insurgence is happening, therefore buying a massive amount of offensive and defensive products is not necessarily the best choice.

Secondly, the issue has evolved into a digital threat. It is clear that technology has been more advanced than it ever has at the present moment. Accordingly, the hazard has also shifted from physical to digital. It is uncommon to see on the news a data breach or a data leakage, and those are two examples of danger that should be addressed immediately. Putting a lot of money and effort into increasing the nation's digital security is an urgent matter in my opinion as the data contains a humongous number of personal information that could harm plenty of people if it is used inappropriately.

In summary, it is unnecessary to allocate a huge amount of budget for physical artillery and it is wise to use it more on improving digital security as the kind of threat has also changed in the past century.

Improvement plan

Close to Band 6.5

Current Band 6.0

Target Band 6.5

  • Fewer grammatical errors in complex sentences and subject-verb agreement.
  • More precise and less repetitive academic vocabulary.

Strengths

Task Response

The writer establishes a clear stance in the introduction that is maintained throughout the essay.

Coherence

Body paragraphs are introduced with clear signposting sentences that guide the reader through the argumentation.

Weaknesses

Subject-Verb Agreement and Clause Structure Issues

High

Recurring errors in subject-verb agreement and complex clause framing hinder grammatical accuracy.

Lexical Repetition and Informal Register

Medium

The essay relies on conversational vocabulary like 'a lot of' and 'humongous' instead of precise academic lexis.

Priority improvements

  1. 1Eliminate Grammatical Errors in Complex ClausesAddressing subject-verb agreement and avoiding malformed prepositional-verb structures will significantly improve the Grammar score.Impact: High
  2. 2Enhance Lexical Range and PrecisionReplacing informal terms like 'humongous' and repetitive quantifiers with precise academic vocabulary will elevate lexical resource.Impact: Medium

Error patterns

Band & CEFR

Band 6.0

B2

Confidence: High

Assessment summary

The essay presents a clear position agreeing with the prompt and supports it with relevant arguments concerning modern digital threats and historical changes. However, it suffers from repetitive phrasing, limited lexical range in places, and noticeable grammatical errors, particularly regarding subject-verb agreement and prepositional use. Cohesion is generally adequate, but transitions can be formulaic.

Scoring criteria

Strengths

  • Demonstrates control over simple and some complex structures, such as conditional and temporal clauses.
  • Sentences are generally readable despite recurring grammatical slips.

Weaknesses

  • Grammatical errors occur frequently, including subject-verb agreement mismatches ('a small amount of insurgence is happening') and awkward clause structures ('Under the risk of an insurgence might occur').
  • Inconsistent handling of articles and countable/uncountable noun pairings.

Justification

Errors in grammar and sentence structure are noticeable and recurrent, preventing a higher band score under the grammar criteria.

Writing stats

Words
290
Paragraphs
4
Estimated time
3 min read
Grammar issues
4
Lexical suggestions
5
Major issues
4
Minor issues
1
Top error pattern
Subject-Verb Agreement Mismatches
Confidence
High